my advanced writing essay

You may ask why I would post as my second entry an essay from my English class. Well, I put it here because it's political satire and I've gotten several good reviews from my classmates who, at least, found it funny. So here....

How to Run For Political Office Using the Sarah Palin Method

One of the most divisive people in recent memory is former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. Her qualifications for political office (or lack of) have been debated to no end. Today my purpose is to tell you how you can run for office as well, even if you have no experience, using the Sarah Palin method. Her method is so successful that I’m even going to make a prediction: Sarah Palin, the half-term governor, will be our next president.

The first thing you need to know is ignore all the naysayers. Believe me, there will be plenty of them, especially if you have no previous political experience. The media and your fellow politicians don’t approve of just anyone coming in the ring to play. My advice to you is not to worry. Sarah Palin doesn’t worry what the media or anyone else has to say, so neither should you. In fact, don’t read any newspapers at all. You don’t want to lower your self-esteem, after all.

The next thing would be to defend your seeming lack of intelligence. If you don’t read newspapers or keep up with the news at all to avoid hearing horrible things about yourself, you will soon find yourself lost in the tide of current events. Let’s look to our role model for a moment. Much has been said about Sarah Palin’s lack of intelligence. Sarah Palin is just as intelligent as the majority of the American voting public. In fact, that’s what we’re counting on in 2012. The media mocked her after she couldn’t answer specifically what newspapers she read to keep up with current events. The president doesn’t have to know everything; that’s what the cabinet is for. But, if you really must know, if Sarah Palin were on television game show, it would be called “Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor” and you would be surprised by the results. I know I was. (Thank you, Tina Fey.) All you have to do is be like the fish in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming” and you will be just fine.

The third step in the Sarah Palin method is to quit your previous job. You can do this before, during, or after the campaign. There are no hard and fast rules here, just as long as you do it because campaigning is a full-time job. If you do it after the campaign, just think of all the public speaking engagements you can give now that you have all the time in the world. Many people say Palin should not be elected because she resigned the governorship instead of serving her promised term. That is no reason at all. She found something better to do, so she went and did that instead. The majority of Americans would (or have) quit a job in order to do something else. What makes her any different? If she gets tired of it, she can just hand it over to her Vice President. The VP will be more than capable and fresh for the job, having had nothing to do until Sarah Palin got bored. If she can do it, you can do it, too.

Our next step is to deal with the foreign policy experience question. This is something everyone seems to be making a fuss over. I can’t imagine why. You don’t really need it. Even with foreign policy experience, a president can still mess it up. So I wouldn’t worry about it, just make it up as you go along. For all our naysayers, if you’ve managed to get past her quitting (oh, sorry, resignation), you can get past her lack of foreign policy experience. Not every president has to be a diplomat before being elected. You can’t make that a prerequisite: it’s not in the Constitution. We checked, just before we stuck it back in the desk drawer. We’ve elected other governors to the top post, like Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. Why can’t we send one more to Washington? Why can’t we send anyone to Washington? It’s called democracy.

Even though I think you don’t need it, we’ll have to invent some for you. Sarah Palin did it and so can you. Now, if you insist on bringing up the Katie Couric interview, we will. I was going to just ignore it, like politicians have always ignored something that made them look bad. But I have to say you mustn’t take Palin seriously when she says that her proximity to Russia is her foreign policy experience. That’s an old Alaskan joke, you see. Everybody in Alaska says they can see Russia from their kitchen window. Geez, get a sense of humor. I, for one, would like our presidents to laugh every once in a while and not take their job so seriously. It’s not brain surgery, for crying out loud. But back to my main point, for you we can say you have successfully dealt with the citizens of third-world countries. Yes, it means those Hispanics down at the lumber mill and the Indians at that hotel you stayed at during your last vacation. You have experience; don’t let anyone tell you different. Sarah Palin didn’t and look where she is.

My next step is to pretend to be a better person than your opponent. As a Republican, Sarah Palin runs as a “values candidate.” It would help you in your quest if you ran as a Republican. You may have fewer obstacles that way because the party really isn’t picky about their candidates. Some of you have called her a hypocrite because her teenage daughter gave birth to a child out of wedlock. In order to be a hypocrite, you must do the action. Sarah Palin wasn’t the one having a child out of wedlock, her daughter was. Sarah can’t be the hypocrite, then. It’s not her fault her daughter’s a bit of a whore. What this means for you is you get to blatantly ignore all the black sheep in your family. The voting public can’t hold them against you. It’s not your fault.

My last step in the Sarah Palin method is to have a stance on the environment. If you are a Republican candidate, you will already have this figured out. Don’t make it too radical; you want to appeal to as many people as you can. There are those obsessed with the environment who freak at the prospect of our hero being elected to the presidency. They berate her “drill, baby, drill” mantra and point to the recent oil spill in the Gulf as an example. But, really, if we kept drilling there, who’s going to notice more oil? They also berate her treatment of wolves in her home state of Alaska, saying she doesn’t care about the endangered species list. Who likes wolves, though, honestly? But the most important thing to remember here, candidate, is to have an opinion.

2012 is going to be a groundbreaking year. So put your hat in the ring, candidate, and just go for it. What do you have to lose? Nothing except your privacy and dignity and if the Mayans were right and the world ends, that won’t matter anyway.

It's working for me, Sarah Palin

Working at Wal-Mart has made me a bit behind the times when it comes to actually sitting down and reading the blogs and magazines I used to read. I'm trying to play catch up with the whole Tea Party thing and how Sarah Palin is just a attention/glory whore. Wait, maybe that's not accurate. Maybe she's actually just a middle-aged sorority girl trying to be the girl next door.

Anyhoo...I had a friend (conservative to the core, by the way) say that the Tea Party and Sarah Palin would be the ruin of the Republican party. I mentioned that to a liberal friend after work tonight and she said, "Good. We need another political party in this country."

It was really refreshing to hear that because it's true. There were no political parties at the very beginning of our nation, but soon enough, we split off into several parties. Most didn't last very long, but that's the nature of the game, I suppose. But we need more political parties in this country because there is no real dialogue. If there is no dialogue, there is only politically correctness and that won't get us anywhere. There will be no hope, there will be no change. This nation will rot from inside.

But the Tea Party movement is a disgrace. They're angry at anybody and everybody. What good is that going to do anyone? They approve the use of violence to meet their ends. Terrorism, anyone? Yet the Republicans, still trying to come together after the election, send Sarah Palin to wink, nod, and give their implicit approval to the Tea Party's actions.

Go down Moses, go down. I'll stay with the professor of law and support his hopey-changey stuff like universal health care, student loan reform, and the reform, if not repeal of don't ask, don't tell.

Cause that's how I roll. That's how America should roll.